Was just going over things in my head ...

It was November last year when I was "assessed" at the eating disorders clinic at the hospital.  I was told I would be put in touch with a dietician and put on the list for therapy, although there was a waiting list.  In March/early April this year, I went to my doctor, who chased up the matter with the hospital, who said I would hear from the dietician within 4 weeks ... still nothing.  The letter they sent to my doctor said that "if Kay's situation becomes more severe, or you consider she is at risk, please contact us immediately".  He obv didnt think I was at risk, or my situation was indeed severe.

I was just thinking like, how sick does one have to be?  Its really quite laughable!  You really do have to be at deaths door before they actually do anything .... and maybe at that point it could be too late?  I sat there ... with the nurse at the hospital, pouring my heart out about how I feel, what I do, what I dont do, what I put my body and mind through .... and then, nothing! 

We work ourselves up to going for these assessments, and then its such an anti climax, and now I am of the firm opinion that I dont want their help anyway ....... indeed, if I am sick enough to warrant it. 

Shortgage of staff and resources ... I know this, but the moment has passed now, and I cant help but feel that they didnt really believe I was that bad.  I dont know ....

This train of thought follows on from my reading a post on PA about how sick bulimics are, and yet can slip through the net, due to their maintaining a healthy weight.  Its SO true, and so sad really.

Yesterday went well.  I calculated it all and actually had about 995 cals eeeek.  I bought diet pills on the way into work this morning.

Ive even had breakfast ... how long can I keep this going!

Friday at last, and no food or money with me again :-)

Such a high !!

Well I got thru the lunch yesterday, the meal was quite healthy, I struggled with my confidence though and the social aspect, I really feel uncomfortable in group situations like that.  My stomach was in knots afterwards, Im glad its over, and today Im planning on restricting like crazy to compensate for the "extras" yesterday. 

Okay, I was going to cancel my assessment at the hospital, but I rang the place and said I couldnt get the time off work.  This weekend however, a letter arrived saying that it has been rescheduled to 12th November.  Im actually off work that week, and feel that it is a sign that I should actually go.  Im seeing it as a second chance, and that ive been lucky to actually get another appointment.  Part of me is worried about the whole giving up control thing, and I really dont want to be any different to how I am right now, but I can at least go and talk to someone about it.  The fact that I can go home after the appointment is a HUGE help too. 

Had too much wine last night = terrible headache, at work, and its Monday :(

Arrived home from work last night to total chaos.  I hate going in to that, I feel so out of control and overwhelmed.  My husband was awaiting some furniture being delivered and was pacing up and down, with the doors wide open, which made the whole house freezing, my son was wiring his playstation3 up to the main tv, so that when I had made dinner we could watch a film, my cat was following me, needing to be fed, and I had to set to and start making dinner for everyone.  This I have to add followed a day at work and a 12 mile drive home, which in rush hour traffic, is totally horrendous :(

Something went drastically wrong with the ps3 when my son tried to wire it back up in his bedroom, which was followed by a "why does it always happen to me" discussion, and him getting angry and frustrated, and because I was there, it was my fault!   He is 16 and I just get the impression I get on his nerves all the time.

Everything finally settled down, but I was so wound up, so puked in the shower, and ripped my leg to bits .... just to get out my frustration.  Today, I really dont want to eat, and havent as yet.  I also went round the house this morning like the mad woman I am, frantically dusting, hovering, tidying, cleaning (clean house, clean mind).  My OCD is terrible when shit like this goes on.  I really need to feel in control of things again.

Im just glad its Friday, I came this close to calling in work sick, and staying in bed all day (after cleaning my house from top to bottom of course).

I hate being me :(

Didnt want to eat today, but my sensible side took over and ive eaten small amounts.  I feel so bloated though, the second I eat anything.  Work is a bit better, because basically I am just keeping my head down and being quiet.  There is so much bitchiness in this office, its horrible, Im sure they must talk about me, im so paranoid lol.  Ive heard them call everyone else though, so I wont be an exception im sure.

Anyway, almost weekend, thank ****

Bloated much :( 

Im so glad its almost time to go home, ive felt so tired and uncomfortably fat today.  I purged a lot last night, and feel quite drained and yet bloated at the same time,  its the first time in a while though, so im not being too hard on myself.    Work has been busy, noisy and claustrophobic for me today, I need to be at home where I can relax and not jump every time the phone rings .... I hate this social phobia when it rears its ugly head.  Most of the time I am (sort of) dealing with it, but when im tired, I struggle more for some reason, and I get so paranoid.  Ill be glad to get to sleep tonight, im exhausted. 
So far ive worked off more cals than ive taken in, which is pleasing me.  I really feel I need to be losing right now.  According to my Wii fit, im still maintaining, going up a pound, down a pound like a yoyo :( so depressing.  Yesterday I had stayed the same as I was on Monday ... exactly the same!

Why do certain people insist on asking what I am having for lunch, every single day?  Im sure im working with robots !!!

Wii fit is sooooo cool !!  I swear, I can hardly walk im aching that much from jogging lol.  Its so much fun, and the hula hoop is amazing :)

One thing im not keen on tho is that you do a body check each day, and it calculates your bmi/weight etc.  Im in the "ideal" bracket.  Why does this piss me off?  Oh well, at least its helping me to maintain, which is what im supposed to be doing.

Eat small amounts regularly, and work out.  Simple right???

Still undecided about this appointment, surely if im in doubt, then thats a sign that im not ready for it, and to be quite honest, ill never be ready. 

I really dont want to go to this assessment next week .... I am going to cancel it.  Thing is, convincing A that I am doing the right thing and that I am okay.  I really, really, dont want to do it.  Im doing it for others and not myself, that is not right.

Everything is changing at work, people are leaving, people are moving around, its all changing and is so unsettling.  Ill now have to work for two of the partners as oppsed to just one, and basically my work load is going to double.  Im not sure if im up to it, each day is such a struggle as it is.

On a happier note, I managed to get hold of a Wii Fit at lunchtime today :) :) :)

Bad vibes in the office today, im not enjoying it at all.

Im such a loner, I never fit in anywhere, not really. 

Everywhere I do go, I feel uncomfortable.

Im so disappointed, ive been exercising like crazy, and restricting just as much.  Ive not lost anything at all this week :( Such a lot of effort, for NO results.  I hate this, I really do :( 

I hate Mondays, I feel really cranky today.  Im tired and hungry and in a bad mood grrrrrrrrrr.

Roll on home time, it cant come soon enough today.

I should really watch what I am saying, but it really really gets to me when people go on about anorexia/bulimia and think they know the difference, or all there is to know about it, when really they know fuck all.  I wanted to scream that I am living with this, but of course I cant!  Well I could, but would probably feel horrible after wards.  I watched "My 8 year old anorexic" last night on tv, and today followed a discussion about it with someone at work who had also seen it.  She was more or less setting out to me the difference between anorexia and bulimia .... coming out with crap like anorexics dont purge, thats bulimia and they are completely different.  I put her straight, but it really irrates the hell out of me.  I know they are completely different but how ignorant !!  It came about because in the programme it didnt show that this young girl was purging, I told my co-worker this, to which she replied "well she wont be .... she is anorexic, its bulimics that purge.  Grrrrrrrrr.  If I wasnt dealing with this, It wouldnt bother me, and I know she doesnt know anything about it, but it just pissed me right off :(

Went for a really long walk at lunch time, feel so great after exercise :)  It cleared my head a bit too.  I miss the relaxed feeling I had on holiday so much, nothing seemed to worry me when I was there ... I forgot things for a few weeks, now im back in the reality of my life, its overwhelming :(  My doctor isnt going to change my medication, and if I dont go to the hospital this time, he is going to lose patience with me ... I just feel really bullied into it, and not in control of things.  So annoying.

Feel really good for the walk though, so that is my positive thought for today!   Ive walked, got some fresh air, and hopefully burned some cals.

I hate money, or should I say lack of it.  I feel so out of control with that aspect of my life.  I was so quiet last night, my mind was just numb.  I need to do something about it.  Final thought on going to bed ... not eating tomorrow.  Woke up thinking a bit more rationally and did eat breakfast.  I hate this, everything is such a struggle.  One thing goes right, another goes wrong.  How do I make everything right, or am I just living in a complete dream world, and life wouldnt be life without its ups and downs.